The Conniving Cacophony of the Calamitous Chanteuse

The wonderful bands of the past, and the women who have emasculated them, and left them for dead (figuratively, literally, whatever). I know I have had this conversation with many friends over the years, so some of you may have heard some of this before. What prompted this particular round of bashing on these loves of their lives was that I heard Exhibit D and E back to back on the radio at work. I wrote this several months ago, but didn't post it.

Exhibit A
Some of you may have heard of this band called the Beatles. I hear they were pretty good. I hear they did a pretty good cover of Aerosmith’s Come Together, as well as other songs. Anyways, the lead singer, John Lennon got together with a woman called Yoko Ono. Many say this was the demise of the band, and hundreds and hundreds of jokes have been made about her, her singing, her breaking up of the Beatles, etc. I’m not going to go this direction because I would simply be spewing redundancies. Let’s just say that she isn’t exactly the most popular person. In fact, one person has humourously postulated to me that perhaps when John Lennon was shot, the aim was actually set for Yoko Ono, perhaps prompting some sort of reunion. I guess we’ll never know. Or we will. Either one.

Exhibit B
This particular woman has taken many a lead singer and placed him (even a few hers) in the mortuary. I’m talking about Lady Heroin. While not exactly a female, it certainly was the love of their (short) lives. The examples here are many, and there is no need to list them. Though I will pay special homage to one Shannon Hoon, which was perhaps the most devastating to me, though (or perhaps because) I had heard about it many years after said overdose. I had always wondered why his band hadn't released a sophomore album, only to find out about his O.D. half a dozen years after the fact.

Exhibit C
Courtney Love. Need I say more? This ridiculous specimen of womankind might be blamed for the demise of two bands. The first is the least obvious, as the fact that she dated the lead singer is not a well known fact. However, it is true that she had dated Billy Corgan at one time. Whether she was the ultimate downfall of this band is not entirely clear, but I think it seems fit to blame her. Nirvana, on the other hand, is a little clearer. While Nirvana never really broke up, there are other circumstances. First, Lady Heroin was involved. Rumour has it that this might have been her fault too. Second, he committed suicide. Again, there has been speculation that she not only drove him to it, but some postulate that she killed him. This seems a little ridiculous as there were rumours that Cobain wanted to leave and join Hole. I would like to thank Alan Cross for the more obscure information (Love dating Corgan, as well as Cobain's wish to join Hole and leave Nirvana), as his radio show has been a wonderful source of entertainment and information.

Exhibit D
Gwen Stefani. She made good music once. I still enjoy hearing a No Doubt song from time to time. But then she went solo. And hip-hop. Terrible. I have, on more than one occasion, joked that Hollaback Girl was the result of a cleansing high colostomy. Anyways, as many of you know Stefani has been dating or engaged or married to one Gavin Rossdale for many years now. Gavin was the frontman for a band called Bush (or Bush X, as they were temporarily called due to a conflict with another band). I’m sure you are thinking, “Hey, I remember that band!” Exactly. Remember.  Bush was a fine band that hasn’t made any music in about five years. And even their last album from 2001 didn’t get any radio-play. That puts it back to 1999. I blame Stefani. Why? Because this is roughly the same time they started dating. And then she went off and started making her musical tripe, while Gavin is playing house-husband at home. Probably making dinner, doing laundry and vacuuming. So sad. Such a fine rockstar put to waste.

Exhibit E
Chantal Kreveaklfusodifjkl. Errr… Chantal Kreviazuk. Yes, the little-known Canadian singer. Yes, the one who got together with Raine Maida at roughly the same time as Stefani and Rossdale got together. Once again emasculation was imminent. You see Raine Maida was the lead of a band called Our Lady Peace. However, now the lead is some sort of amalgamation of this couple. I will henceforth refer to the lead as Raintal Maidazuk. No, I won’t. Anyways, Our Lady Peace began with awesome music. Naveed  is genius. Clumsy  is awesome. And then it goes downhill. Every album since has not had the lyrical fortitude of the first two albums. I have maintained that Kreviazuk began writing Maida’s lyrics. Most of the lyrics after Clumsy have been overly romantic, the music hasn’t been as good (or at least from the perspective of rock music) and it has just generally annoyed me. It’s really sad to me. I mean I really enjoyed OLP from back in the day and I was really disappointed with Happiness is Not a Fish You Can Catch.  And my disappointment remains, several albums later.

So these are plenty of examples where the ladies in the life of these musicians have rendered their music impotent or have discontinued that music. It is a sad thing. Really, I just think that musicians shouldn’t be allowed to date other musicians (or, you know, do drugs). It would save many a band. Please, do it for the children. I mean, do you want your kids growing up in a world where Hollaback Girl becomes classic music and where good rock bands are churning out naught but romantic ballads? I don’t think so.

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