The Orange Cream in Your Heart-Shaped Box of Chocolates

Happy Emo Valentine's Day

It is Valentine's Day. Again.
And thus it is time for another S.A.D. post. Which is difficult, as I don't have much left in me on the topic. For those who don't know, I have made several installments on or around this infamous day which are basically lists of things that singles can do to sabotage Valentine's Day and subsequently celebrate Single Awareness Day.
The previous installments are The Cockroach in Cupid's Atomic Blast (last year) and Contentment Charade in the Single's Parade (the year before). And they are just as (in)appropriate this year as on any Valentine's Day.

Here are some more ideas:

1. Change your Facebook relationship status. That'll have everyone, single and otherwise, take notice. I would've suggested making up a person with the name "No one" or something similar. However, I just tried to make an account and it wouldn't allow non-names. So much for being married to The Sea. Since this isn't possible, just change it every hour. Single, to married, to single, to in a relationship, to single, to it's complicated... It'll have people worrying about you.

2. They say every rose has its thorn. So dump a bucketful of nails at the parking lot entrance of every florist shop you can find.

3. Sell discount chocolates out of your trunk. Sell them for ridiculously cheap, but make sure you put price tags on them. And make the tags near impossible to get off, so that the significant other either gets a mangled box of chocolates, or is appalled at how little was spent. Or, even better, box the chocolates yourself. Sell them at a reasonable price, but enough to make a profit (might as well get paid). Then inside every box put a promotional coupon that says "Did you enjoy your free chocolates? Please write to us with your suggestions!"

4. Dress up as Cupid. But instead of a bow and arrow, use a paintball gun.

5. Print up hundreds of Secret Admirer valentines. Slip them in random mailboxes. Preferably those of the already attached. I mean, who doesn't love tension?

6. Where applicable, steal the birth control pills of select women. Switch them with antihistamines or similar looking and otherwise harmless over the counter drugs. After all, Family Day is in just 4 days.
For those who don't know (mainly out of province or country readers) Family Day is a new stat holiday this year, instituted by the current Government of Ontario. The timing of it (Feb. 18) is interesting, to say the least.

Huzzah to the singles. Or something.

2 comments:

Dan Ponsen said...

Once again,
Another job well done! Always enjoy the S.A.D. comments, puts a smile on my face

Frostbite said...

Bah Singles Awareness Day I prefer to just think of it as another day of the week. Frostbite from the SMBC forums has now infected your blog.