Contentment Charade in the Single's Parade

Originally posted on February 14, 2006. Edited by Hallmark. Err... I mean... me.

Oh, it is that most wonderful of days. I thought I would compile a list of things that us single folk can do today, so that it might be a good day for us as well.

1. Red Rover. Yes, that terrible game of childhood which teachers consistently banned due to recurring injuries. However, me and Sam have created a bit of a spin off of the original game. Essentially the game is as such: If you see a couple wandering with hands held you can run between them, separating their hands, and grab one person's hand and claim they are now on your team. While doing this at school today would be fun, going down to the local mall and doing this would be considerably more entertaining, as you will not likely know your targets, nor will they be familiar with your eccentricities.

2. Go to a friends house who is currently dating someone. Leave a flaming bag of dog excrement on their porch.

3. Call up all your friends who are currently in relationships. One by one. Ask each and everyone one if they want to go out to see a movie tonight, or some other activity. Don't mention that you know it is Valentines Day. If they ask, ignore the question. If ignoring is no longer a possibility, just make them think that you didn't know that it was today. This way they all feel bad for having turned you down, especially if they know that you are also single. It will work especially well if you let them know that you have called up a lot of friends (don't mention names, lest they realize that you are only calling up attached persons) and have yet to find anyone to spend time with.

4. Call up several restaurants and make reservations for one. Go to each one, sit at the table, order drink after drink, become rude and obnoxious until you are kicked out. Time the reservations accordingly. Now, I am not suggesting that you actually drink and then go from restaurant to restaurant. Instead, order non-alcoholic drinks that look like they could be alcoholic. More than likely you will need a degree of acting skill to pull this off. It will either ruin people's dinners, or give them a fun story to tell.

5. Similar to #4, get a friend of the opposite gender to come with you to a restaurant (or multiple restaurants if you would like to do this multiple times). Get a table, and look like you are actually in a relationship. Before dinner arrives (and thus you will not have to pay for dinner) get into a large fight. You can alternate fights, but pick something generic that might rehash fights that others may have had during their relationships. Fun ensues.

6. For next year, as it is too late to do this today, give your friends who ask where and what they should do for Valentines Day terrible, but seemingly well meaning advice. This works especially well if these friends are dumb.

7. If a friend has a romantic evening planned, complete with romanticish music, find a way to replace the CDs he has in the car/stereo/wherever. Take out the John Mayer or whoever and replace with Linkin Park or Limp Bizkit. That'll work nicely.

That's just about everything I can think of right now. Huzzah to the singles, or something.