An Acute Case of Humour Malaise

Originally posted on March 3, 2006. So many links that needed titling!

MSN has included a wonderful little sidebar to the webpage so that, I may fill out my blog, giving you all information that you don't care about. 31 ways that I can use my blog. Sounds ideal. Or is it? Today: 31 ways that I can use my blog, revisited. Or, "Tim's guide to blogging."

1. Keep a daily journal of your life.

Wonder why you don't have an interesting life? Perhaps you should reconsider spending a ridiculous amount of your week updating your journal. That being said, I went to the mall today and like, I saw the cutest guy, who totally had a nice bod, and he looked right at me!!!

2. Post a quote du jour.

A French quote? I'm not sure many would understand it. And which kind of quote? Should I regurgitate my quote a day calendar? Should I make up my own inspirational quotes, such as "Die, die, die!"?

3. Document your daily successes.

Ultimately this could be even longer than keeping a daily journal of your life. List of successes... hmmm... 1. I didn't die. 2. I didn't get terribly injured. 3. I got out of bed. 4. I brushed my teeth. 5. I didn't slip on the floor and accidentally hang myself with the dental floss. 6. I showered... While the journal implies that you are reporting on what happened, the daily successes could both be what happened, and what didn't happen. Which is everything. And, hence, very long.

4. List your goals.

Essentially this could also be full of ridiculousness. My goal is to not be run over by a 16-wheeler transporting hungry tigers across the province. You get the picture.

5. Describe a recent adventure.

Adventure? What do I look like, a movie star? Quit laughing. Well, today I thwarted terrorists, discovered the holy grail, overcame impossible odds, etc. To, once again, channel those who are writing things like this, "Holy crap, today, I totally went to the mall, and found this awesome shirt, but there wasn't any in my size, so I totally asked the lady there, and she said what was on the shelf was what they had, but then I found one misplaced on another rack, and it was a total adventure!!!"

6. Compliment a friend.

That just doesn't seem right. I mean I'm all about complimenting friends (for the sake of argument, lets say that is true), but writing a blubbering panegyric about a wonderful friend seems like a dumb idea. Having some one post a blog extolling all of my incredible virtues might initially be slightly flattering, ultimately it would be somewhat creepy and may result in a restraining order of some sort.

7. Write a restaurant review.

Right... because most bloggers are restaurant connoisseurs. Seriously, what I don't want to read on anyones blog is how, they asked for no pickle on their Big Bacon Classic, and got it anyways, or how Wendy's and Tim Hortons aren't putting tomato on their burgers or sandwiches any longer because their supplier was based in the New Orleans area, and how that makes it only get a 3 star rating out of 5. Even if you go a bit higher class and review places like Boston Pizza and Milestones, it is still considerably dumb.

8. Detail a recent date.

But, then, my blog would be empty! This is particularily a nice option for those who have desperately lonely friends. Posting something like this would certainly keep those lonely emo friends from suicide! Or perhaps not. Secondly, I'm not sure the other on the date would exactly appreciate a tell-all blog about your romantic night out.

9. List your favourite hang outs.

Are we talking about favourite places to perform a lynching? Or are we speaking of that new vernacular where "hanging out" is equivalent to loitering with your friends outside of the Tim Hortons with crappy dance music blaring out of their suped up Civics? If the latter is the case, then perhaps most of those reading your blog might already know, and those who don't, probably don't care.

10. Share a poem of yours.

Oooh... can it be dark and angst-ridden? Can I wear my hair all messy and dumb, listen to whiny music, and cry? Because then I can be one of the Mighty Moshin Emo Rangers!

11. Offer tips in your area of expertise.

My personal area of expertise? I can only think of one that is strictly personal, and that is being me. Certainly, I have a fair bit of experience at that, whether that makes me the expert on it, I'm not sure. However, I would imagine that people don't want me to drone on about how one can go about being me. Also, if I posted tips about a more specific area of expertise, like how to make a perfect Cherries Jubilee, then perhaps it would no longer be my area of expertise, and others might surpass me, and I would no longer be an expert in said area. Which would be rather depressing, no?

12. Write about your favourite hobby.

What if it is my favourite hobby, but I don't actually partake? For example, what if my favourite hobby was stamp collecting, but I've never collected a stamp in my entire life? That would be a degree of ridiculous wouldn't it? Perhaps, instead, you should write about your favourite hobby, which you engage in? Even then, who wants to hear about my obsession with collecting miniature miniatures? Or that I follow around celebrities in my van? None of these things will people want to hear about.

13. Describe a class you're taking.

Are they suggesting that I post my syllabus? Pimp my classes to others? Or perhaps teach the course myself, right here in my blog? Of course, I could do this, but the lack of money I am receiving from all of you make me think that this would not be as lucrative as I would like. Send me money.

14. Review a movie.

Right. Because I really want to read a 14-year-old Roger Ebert blather on about how cute so and so is, or comment on how romantic such and such was, and giving two thumbs up for movies like Titanic, and two thumbs down for Lord of War because "I don't like guns, and Nicolas Cage has a huge forehead!" Or some 20 year old guy rating based on poop humour and nudity. I don't think so.

15. Gossip about celebrities, coworkers, or friends.

Hmmm... I think I'll leave this one alone. Just not a good idea. At all.

16. Outline your diet and exercise plan.

Yikes. The less said about this the better. Because I don't have much to say about it. It would be one of the shortest posts in all of history. I think my occupation of "Furniture Load Capacity Engineer" pretty much covers it. I'll leave the jokes to all of you...

17. Share interesting bits of information.

A bit broad, isn't that? And interesting is a very subjective term. And this is a blog, I think they have whole websites dedicated to interesting facts.

18. Rate a book you've read.

Like, what, the latest on Oprah's book club list? "Oh man, Oprah was so right, what an awesome book this East of Eden is! So fresh and new, I've never heard of it before!" Now everyone, send your tithes to Oprah, c/o Oprah. Yes, that is her address. Just right "Oprah" on the envelope with proper postage, and we assure you, it will get to her.

19. Describe your dreams.

Even at their most ridiculous? So, I had a dream last night that a purple raincoat chased me around the living room, at which point, I realized it wasn't so much a living room as the bottom of the ocean and I was having tea with Queen Elizabeth and when we swam to the surface we came upon a floating bottle with a message in side that said "I have a dream..."

20. Write an editorial about a current event.

Ooh, an editorial? What is Paris Hilton thinking about when she did her hair like that? Is that what is meant? Or perhaps, "I don't like Bush, I don't know what he is doing really, but celebrities don't like him, so I don't either!" Or, better yet, "I read a article about judicial review, and my opinion is... what is judicial review?"

21. Ask questions of other bloggers.

I have one! Why are you still reading this? Oh yeah, its because I'm awesome. But other people might have questions like "Why don't I know how to spell?", "Who really cares what I ate for breakfast?", "Will you understand my post if I write completely in LOLs and other ridiculous internet-speak?" or "Can you add a comment so my friends think I am popular?"

22. Share jokes and funny stories.

Once again, there are so many joke sites around, you might as well be spitting into the ocean. And that would very likely be even more funny than your joke. The latter, I actually support. That is, providing it is really funny. Not the overused teen girl LOL funny, but honestly and truly funny. I know, you are all thinking, "Wait, he is supportive of something! This is crazy." I know I am being cynical. But don't get used to this positivity...

23. Describe a project you're working on.

Well, I'm currently working on finishing up this post. I'm about halfway through a rye and coke, which I anticipate finishing, providing the committee approves the final project (that is, the empty glass). These are just those to which I am currently engaged in. There are some projects on the back burner such as graduating, promoting communism, as well as living.

24. Tell heart-warming pet stories.

Hmmm... would killing puppies warm your heart? I suppose, if you cut them open and lived in them Wompa-style. Does telling people about how you have oft driven your pet to suicide give them those fuzzy feelings? I suppose not. It will probably be some other anthropomorphic nonsense. It will also probably fall in the teen girl LOL category, and I will withdraw my approval.

25. Offer dating or parenting advice.

Now, stop your laughing. I have offered considerable dating advice up to this point. And, to get another dig in at the Temple of Harpo, we have Dr. Phil to give advice on parenting. "You CAN'T go WAILING on your KIDS with a board with a NAIL IN IT!" Thanks Dr. Phil! If it weren't for you, our family would be a mess!

26. Write a short story.

As, I think, every joke I could put here has been included elsewhere I will just stick with "Preferably very short!"

27. Speculate about the direction of the stock market.

This would have to be the funniest one in this list. I think its inclusion is joke enough. Because "the fat cats at Wall Street" are often found spouting tripe on Myspace...

28. Highlight your favourite clothing stores.

While this sounds like a ridiculous blog entry topic, it seems like a fun activity. Everyone grab your highlighters and head for the local mall!

29. Share a mouth-watering recipe.

Perhaps ringing a bell would be enough? And would I be responsible if people went ahead and actually included those 2 cups of strychnine? Would this get me a great dinner and a rubber diaper?

30. Post a photo of the day.

You mean, like pictures of pets or children doing funny things? How about ridiculously photoshopped pictures that are really real, I swear! My friend took them! I'll be particularily impressed when the pictures your friend took have website tags already on them, such as Ebaums world or some such nonsense. The Internet: Protecting plagiarism, anonymity and free speech since whenever Al Gore invented it!

31. Share twenty things others should know about you.

Well, thats fairly easy, as most of them begin and end with "Tim is cool." That said, I think it would be much more interesting, and perhaps controversial if people wrote 20 things people shouldn't know about me. 1. I'm a compulsive liar. 2. I use all the toothbrushes wherever I go, just for fun at every house I go to. 3. I went to prison because others followed my lethal recipe. 4. I see dead people, etc.